Monday, January 21, 2013

Thoughts on a Cesarean

Failure to progress.

Somewhere in the report on Little C's birth you'll find those three words. Failure. To. Progress.

My first thoughts as a new mom were failure. I had failed to do the most natural part of motherhood.
{Our first picture meeting one another}
I wouldn't say I had postpartum depression. I think I was pretty far from it. However, I did feel guilt and shame for awhile after the birth of Little C because I had an emergency c-section. What those three words mean was that Little C just wasn't coming out. He was happy to just hang out in position two for hours.

My labor moved quickly. I remember feeling my first contraction around 2 in the afternoon of July 3rd. We were at the pool then off to lunch. I actually shared my first attempt at my birth story around Little C's first birthday here. It was pretty weak. I didn't even mention the c-section, I couldn't. I won't give too much here because I want to give the birth story all the details it deserves in another post. 

An emergency c-section is an emergency, but it is your choice. I think that added to the difficulty. I arrived at the hospital 5 cm dilated around 5 pm in the afternoon. Shortly after I asked for the epidural and was a happy girl. A few hours later I was at 10 cm and Little C was engaged I was ready to push. After a few hours of pushing and no progress my doctor came with papers for the emergency c-section. Late in the evening after hours of active labor I was asked for the first time- I said no. I wanted to keep pushing. On thirty to forty-five minute intervals I was asked again. Around 1 am I signed the papers. Twenty-eight minutes later our baby boy had arrived. 
{The proud daddy holding his brand new baby boy}

I remember blaming myself for having an epidural. That somehow that caused the labor problems. I blamed myself for signing the paper and not waiting longer. I remember reading that an average labor can last twenty-four hours after Little C came. I thought I didn't even give that much time. 

A few days later I read that what I was feeling was common in my situation. I met other mothers who had experienced the same thing. So, two and a half years later I'm ready to share my thoughts and hope it helps someone else know they are not alone. 

Occasionally, I hear about amazing natural birth stories. Sometimes I feel judged. But, I always feel grateful that Little C is here. It doesn't matter how it happened. In the end, he arrived in this world and was placed in our arms and that is amazing. 
{Our first picture as a family of three}

Thank you for listening.
I'm sharing my story here:

14 comments:

LaNeshe said...

Thank you for sharing your story!

Megan B.B. said...

C-Sections happen. I failed to ever dilate past a 6. You do the best you can, and praise God for a healthy beautiful (non-head-smooshed) baby.
Thanks for linking up! We have a new Mommy Confessions link up happening tomorrow. :)
xoxo
Megan @ thememoirsofmegan.com

Amanda Haney said...

I felt that way for a long time too after my c section. I didn't have a choice though. My Dr just came and told me that because my blood pressure wasn't going down and was at that point at stroke level and because I had just had a seizure from it being too high that if we didn't do an emergency c section that Id probably lose my baby and possibly have a stroke. I cried and cried after because I felt guilty. I hated hearing birth stories of the other moms in my mommy group from what to expect.com because they had natural births, they got to carry their babies to full term or close to, they got to have the nurseries ready, they got baby showers with their bumps"

Amanda Haney said...

That last comment cut off. Anyway, it took a long time to come to terms with my daughters delivery and the week we spent in e NICU

Katie said...

Found you on Mingle Monday...congrats on the baby! Regardless of the method, a healthy child is definitely a blessing. And, I have to tell you I'm a VBAC baby, so with your next child a natural birth is possible! My mom even had me without drugs before that was common :) god bless your new family!

Sarah said...

I had my first baby on Dec. 14. I had him vaginally, but I have definitely learned that motherhood is full of expectations that don't get met a lot of the time. It is a bittersweet roller coaster ride for the most part. I've also learned to just be thankful for my happy healthy baby, sometimes when it is crazy and chaotic, that's all you really have to hold on to. :)

Stopping by from the Monday Mingle, definitely following your blog!

-Sarah
mamasgotittogether.blogspot.com

Noel Marie said...

This post spoke to my heart! It was about a week ago I celebrated my little girl's first birthday by recounting her birth story...which also ended in a c-section after pushing for hours without her budging an inch! And I still harbor some guilt and what if feelings...

But...since there are so many of us who feel this way, that feels better some how. Thank God we live in a time where we have those options, and that we didn't perish in child labor as many women of old did for these reasons! YAY us!!! :))

New follower, swing by my blog and follow back if you'd like...and you can also check out Raegan's Birth Story :))

Noel Marie said...

Umm, scratch that last sentiment, I'm already following (get your crap together, noel)...but still, you can check out my story lol

Sarah said...

Hi there! Fellow linker of Mommy Confessions today and your newest follower! I know it's hard not to blame yourself for anything with your children, especially when the birth didn't go as you had hoped, but look how perfect C is these days! Anyway, look forward to reading more about your lovely family! Hope you'll stop by and follow back!

Amber Cease said...

I think women harbor guilt about some aspect of their labor and delivery all too often, in general. Happy, healthy babies and mommas are what are most important! Thanks for directing me your way in the lovely comment on my blog yesterday! ;)

Shell said...

The most important thing is that you ended up with a healthy baby. That's really all that matters.

My first came very quickly and I had no opportunity for any drugs. With my third, he was induced and I had an epidural. I had someone ask me if I didn't feel better about how "natural" the first was. Actually, no. My third was so much easier on both me and the baby.

Heather @ Cookies For Breakfast said...

I understand this SOOOO much! I had such a similar post-c-section reaction. I was fine immediately after Ben was born, but after the new baby bliss wore off, I was devastated. Crying every night about how I didn't get the birth I wanted. I'm actually cool with it now and I'm happy with how everything went (even though I still blame myself for it not going to plan), and I have all the more fuel in my fire for making it happen MY way the next time around. (birth story here if you're interested! http://heatherscookiesforbreakfast.blogspot.com/2012/11/a-year-ago-today-benjamins-birth-story.html)

It's totally normal to feel this way after a c-section - I really think that all moms go through some kind of regret/sadness/etc. afterwards. But like Megan said - a healthy baby with a gorgeous head (haha it's definitely a bonus!) is the best gift there is :-)

Thanks for linking up with us!

Casey said...

I loved this post so much that I included it in my series, Lots of Link Love. I hope you'll come check out some other wonderful bloggers, and share with your readers! I especially appreciated your honesty!!

http://stresscasey.blogspot.com/2013/01/lots-of-link-love.html

XOXO
Casey

Heather said...

I also had an emergency c-section. I never wanted one or planned on one, but in the end it was best for me and my baby. I have no regrets and wouldn't have it any other way.

Thanks for sharing!

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